How many times have I turned away The number is the same as the sand on the shore But every time You've taken me back And now I pray You do it once more.
Please take from me my life When I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus
How many times have I turned away The number is the same as the stars in the sky But every time You've taken me back And now I pray You do it tonight.
Please take from me my life When I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus
-- Take My Life, Third Day
That's what I've been feeling lately. I feel like I just don't have the strength or energy to give to Jesus. Trying to keep up with homework feels like too much already. Yet, giving my time and energy to Jesus is exactly what I need to do to stop from feeling worried and overwhelmed. He is the only one with the strength I need. So, I pray that Jesus would take my life because I don't have the strength to do what I need most.
It's kind of like saying I don't have energy to make myself coffee in the morning when I know that coffee is the one thing that can wake me up.
There are several reasons for the declining post number:
I'm trying to stay afloat amidst the vast seas of insurmountable homework
I've been floating between blogs and am adding another to my list due to the oh-so-wonderful educational technology blog I must keep
I'm trying to float in a social world (which is getting to seem more and more impossible)
After spending a wonderful Christmas break relaxing at home, well, relaxing aside from all the Youth Works paper work and the four hour defensive driving course they required me to take, I'm back up at school. I've started my education methods courses - which are just as intense as was described to me. They're a double edged sword: we get to be in the classrooms, but because we're in the classrooms we have to do very professional lesson plans. Two credit classes seem like four. So, it's leaving me feeling left out because I am stuck doing homework when everyone else is out having fun. Hence the whole "staying afloat" metaphor."
Even though I feel awfully tired and disheartened at some points, I'm actually quite happy knowing that God is so good to me! My family is doing well and is happy (relatively speaking), and I really have nothing to complain about - and shouldn't even if I did. Psalm 91:4 is a really great verse to hold on to:
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Even though I've felt quite disconnected from a Christian body, and some-what from God, just seeing him at work protecting and being my refuge reminds me of His intense love for me. He is there.
Several times a day I attempt to put my boots on the wrong foot. It is an unconscious effort, but it is good enough to remind me that my mind is elsewhere. The problem stems from me repeatedly throwing my boots in the opposite position, so that when I go to pick them up, they're mixed up - right is left and left is right. Yet, I continue to attempt to put my boot on the wrong even when I've diagnosed the problem.
I'd been feeling out of sorts lately, struggling with emptiness, being upset with my roommates for no reason, and adepressed - starting to wonder if I actually suffer from depression. I happened to stumble upon a new blog, and one of the posts really encouraged me! A fellow Christian is the blogger, and she was talking about a verse in Psalms (here's the full post):
"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness." Psalm 18:28
It reminded me about how good God is, and that whatever "darkness" I find myself in, HE is able to make it light even if I find that thought quite impossible. And I know He will:
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
That is very comforting to remember, and it lifts my spirits. Yet, sometimes, like putting my boots on wrong even when I know they're mixed up, I know that God is good and I know His grace is enough, but I'm still stuck in this strange place. Thankfully, I woke up this morning feeling lighter (and less lost) and I know reading that blog was also part of God's work in this. Remembering all the things I have to be thankful for - this space heater, for one - is also helping a lot.
"God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!"
This morning I went to my 8am final. This would be a good thing - if my final had been today. It's actually tomorrow. I guess it's better than missing a final, but I still felt like finals week didn't get off to a very good start. Upon hearing what I did, my friend Tiffany said, "Oh Lindsey, your brain is just everywhere!" I thought maybe that was it, but then I realized it's really nowhere. I've felt so nonexistent lately, like life isn't really happening. Like I'm just floating around in nothingness. Or life is just moving too fast and leaving me behind. It's a strange ethereal feeling. I don't like it.
After making some random allusion to my friend Matt he said, "I don't get you." I wonder who does. It kind of makes me sad to think that no one really understands me. I feel like I'm back in middle school again with my .3 friends. I shiver, thinking maybe no one will ever understand me.
Drew and I had a whole conversation about Bonsai trees today at the Office. It was completely random. Apparently they like lots of water. Maybe I'm a bonsai tree without water? Drew is really interesting because he's another Christian in the office (Yay!) and he actually just got married to a woman he met on an online Christian dating site. Very interesting, but he said it was amazing how perfect they seem for each other. Where's my Mr. Knightly?
Talked to my mom today, and she said she got a lot of things to bake. Yay! I love baking - especially around the holidays. It makes everything feel right. She also said Soviet (my betta) isn't eating. People say that fish don't have very good memories, but I swear BenG missed me and knew me. Maybe fish understand me better than people do.
Life is so interesting sometimes (okay, try all the time). Mostly, I am happy for other people, and really just feel left out of it all. It seems like everyone is having their "moment." I don't know what it is exactly, can't put my figurative finger on it.
These feelings shouldn't be here. The Christmas banquet was grand - I had an excellent time. It seemed as though something was missing. I've definitely taken up Regina Spektor's song "The Call" from the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian as my silent battle cry.
Just because everything's changing Doesn't mean it's never Been this way before
All you can do is try to know Who your friends are As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon And follow the light
Now we're back to the beginning It's just a feeling and no one knows yet But just because they can't feel it too Doesn't mean that you have to forget
You'll come back When it's over No need to say good bye..
It seems like the melody says so much more than I ever could. Something that I can't say.
