Editing

I get discouraged very easily. When things get hard, I am the first to give up. Teaching is hard. Anyone who disagrees is no mere human. The hardest part about teaching is that if you're in it for the right reasons (anyone who's in it for the money is ridiculous) you truly want to be the best teacher you can be. You're continually asking, How can I do this better or What can I change to make this lesson more engaging? And in answering these questions you have to look at yourself; which is hard. Really hard. The more I learn about what makes a good teacher, the more frustrated I become. It seems that no matter what, I just can't make the cut. Why can't I just get this right!?

My relationship with Christ has been mirroring these thoughts. I found myself making a sarcastic comment the other day and quickly realized that the comment probably did not come off as sarcastic but rather rude and biting. One step forward, two steps back. The more Christ reveals His grace and holiness to me, the more I am made aware of my imperfections. I am comforted by Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I know that God is doing a good work in my heart. Sanctifying me and filling me with His grace. Like any good writer, God is revising, editing and purging me of things that would dampen the final masterpiece. It's a painful process but I move forward in expectant hope.

More of Himself

How many nights had I cried into my pillow, wishing that the tears would make it all better? How many nights had I railed against my Savior, asking 'Why, Why, Why?' How many nights had I failed to see His wings, hiding me, holding me? Reminding me that he loved me?

I have been there. That is not just poetic language. Those nights were as real to me as any nights I sat laughing with my friends. Some were long ago and some closer than I'd like to remember. Somehow, through Christ, I got out of those dark (emotionally and spiritually) periods in my life, but until recently they didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand why. I just accepted that it must be God's plan, and that He was allowing me to go through those situations for a reason. I may still not understand them completely - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8), yet after going to retreat with Campus Crusade and hearing a talk from the speaker, I really began to see those situations in a new light.

The speaker, Susanna, said:

" God is not concerned with giving us more of what we want, but in giving us more of Himself. He will use whatever is tired closest to our hearts to draw us closest to Him. The most loving things happen to you. "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. (Psalm 25:10)" God doesn't love us more when He gives us what we want. It is all about giving us more of Him."

I hadn't been seeing those situations as God's love. Nor as Him giving me more of myself. She talked about our dreams dying, only to be filled with Christ. That sometimes those dreams die and don't get replaced. Sometimes we're so focused on what we want, what we think we need, that we fail to want or need Christ. Woah. After thinking about those hard points in my life in relationship to God's love, I just had to fall before His throne. I would not be the same person I am today without those times. I would not have 'more' of God.

This was an amazing time for me... followed by a swift drop. After realizing this, I also realized that I needed to surrender more dreams to my Father. It's definitely not an easy thing. Despite knowing how trustworthy my God is, it is so hard to give everything. Going into it with the realization that He might not give those dreams back. Ridiculously Hard. I talked with Him for about an hour, laughed like never before, and felt such love like never before. One would not thin k after seeing the face of God that there would be such confusion, but it's somewhat true. I started to question what I was supposed to be doing.. were any of my dreams really His? Then the next day, I opened His word straight to Isaiah 61:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Woah. That's what I had been doing; not realizing it. I was ministering to the hurting. Because I had been hurt. I was showing love to people, and showing the beauty that God wanted to give them out of their ashes. Because I'd seen it in my life.

If you're still reading this: thanks. If you're still reading this, I pray that you'll begin to see the hurts, the pain, everything in your life as love. Not looking at situations thinking, "If only things were different.." or "I wish this hadn't happened," but as something that God is using to give you more of Himself. It is not easy. It is so incredibly hard, but I believe that it is worth it. Do you?

I am learning surrender everyday.

It's Okay

I want it so badly. Smirking, success lay just beyond the stretch of my arm. It is right there, but it was so far. There is nothing to hold on to. Checking for handholds, grasping for any nook I can get my tired hand into, tears come to my eyes. I want it so badly. Having no luck with finding a grip for either hand, I look down. That's when I realize how far off the ground I really am. A rush of fear or adrenaline runs through me as I return my eyes to the protrusion of rock. I have to do this, but I'm so far up. The words fall from my lips, "I'm stuck, I can't find a path up. I think I'm ready to come down." My tongue had betrayed me. I had wanted it so badly.

It's hard to accept defeat, but I think it's a good learning process - at least for me. I just want to be able to say that I not only went rock climbing, but I actually got to the top! It would've been so cool. It's good for me though. It makes me remember that it's good to try, and hopefully I'll keep trying to climb that rock, but that it's okay to fail. It's okay to say, "I can't do this." Our society is all about being successful and being the best, but how much will climbing to the top of a rock help me out later in life? Yes, it's completely awesome (and if you've done it, kudos!), but it's okay. It's okay. I have weaknesses (Whoa, did I just admit that?). It's okay. I've been reminded a lot about surrender lately (Well, when am I not?). That Jesus wants my whole heart. Not just part of it, but all of it. I think this whole rock thing is part of realizing that "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). Eternity-minded, it won't matter if I couldn't climb a mountain. I can already move mountains. It won't matter if I'm not a good dancer. Jesus does not care what I dance like as long as I'm dancing for him.

Surrender is something that's always on my mind. I needed to surrender my pride and my desire to get up the rock face to Him. I have a really hard time giving up things that I desperately want. I had wanted a relationship so bad, but I wouldn't give it up. It ended up wreaking such a havoc in my soul. I needed to surrender it to Christ; to be "okay" with however it turned out. That's what surrender is, in part. Trusting God that he will take care of your dreams, your relationships, your life, everything. I need to surrender my desires to Him, because He knows what is best.

The beauty is in the attempt. The beauty is in the weakness.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

The beauty is in the surrender.

Kryptonite

So, I've ruled out being a Ninja from my post-graduate plans. It was always a dream of mine, but with my lack of "mad skillz" shown so clearly in Judo class yesterday, I've decided to make a wiser career choice. Who really wants to be a Ninja anyway? It seems like it would be quite hard to breath in that outfit...

Sometimes life is not what we want or expect. I really wanted to learn Judo and I thought it would be an awesome life experience -- I had the best intentions, really. But it ended up being intimidating and uncomfortable. I've never been athletic and I've never had much coordination, but I thought maybe for once I could be something cool. Sometimes I have this image of myself in my mind (seriously, I'm so cool.. in my head) but really I'm just average. There are so many things that I'm not good at. Going to spring retreat for Cru reminded me of something I'd forgot. God will use my weaknesses for good. So even though I'm a failure when it comes to Judo (and ultimately being a Ninja), God has a better plan.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

That is why it's okay that I'm not going to make it as a Ninja. I want to be seen as someone who is good at everything (don't we all?), but God wants to break down our pride and show us that we can only boast in Him. Not only do I see this in the simple lesson of my Judo-experience, but I have seen this in my overly-emotional self. I was going through a really difficult time -- feeling like I could not control my emotions and that they were spinning out of control. I started thinking, Why did God make me this way? Being emotional is just destroying relationships and isn't doing any good! God has made me realize that, through Him, my over-emotional tendencies can be used for good. Do you know how freeing that very fact is? Try looking at your own weaknesses, whatever they may be (shyness, apathy, academics etc.), and see if you can't give them over to God. Knowing that He wants you to be boasting about your weaknesses (What?! I should be happy I'm over-emotional? What a crazy notion!) so that Christ can take them and use them for his glory.