If He cares so much for sparrows, why won't he toss something my way?

Life has been a crazy mix of emotions lately. Isn't it always, though? Sometimes I wonder how many emotions I go through in a day compared to the average person, but then I remember that I am an average person and everyone feels a lot more than I realize.

Sometimes I get stuck into the rut where everyone else is a robot, well, not really a robot, but I start to get this mentality that I'm the only conscious body out there. Let's call it self-centeredness. Point blank, right on the table (see James 3:14).

Lately I've been finding myself in the middle of a conversation with someone, and then I'll realize that I haven't been listening to a word they say. I suck. The hard thing is, is that I really do want to know about that person, but for some reason I just get distracted. I've been really convicted of it lately, and have been praying that God would work in my heart and take out any selfishness therein.

Philippians 2:3-4 says,

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I am working on being a listener. I'm trying to come up with some way to challenge myself to say less and listen more. Like only saying so many words after someone else speaks? Any ideas?

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Aside from feeling completely ashamed by my thoughtlessness towards others, I have been feeling a bit lonely-ish. I guess it comes with the whole selfish thing: Why do I talk so much, when it's clear nobody wants to listen? I dunno.

With S.A.D coming up (Valentines Day for all you lucky people), it has been really hard to not notice the many couples I hang out with and their apparent bliss. While it's not that I'm not happy as a single person (in case you didn't follow the nots, I AM happy), but it just seems like there is some elusive level of happiness that only couples can attain. This is frustrating for the single person. I know that couples have their share of difficulties and it's not easy. But at least you have someone to have trouble with!

This makes me develop a defensive/bitter attitude. To protect myself from that little sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know, the one that says you're not wanted. I tell people that I want to remain single because then it doesn't seem so bad. It eventually leads to telling myself things like:

“My being charming is not quite enough to induce me to marry; I must find other people charming - one person at least. And I am not only not going to be married at present, but have very little intention of every marrying at all … I must see somebody very superior to anyone I have seen yet, to be tempted.”

-- Emma, Jane Austen

I think this idea of my independence as a single woman makes me even less desirable to men who value vulnerability. Ho hum, what a conundrum!

But in the end, it's not up to me.

An Adventure in Humility

I like to do things myself, and I certainly don't like to inconveinence people in having them do things for me. Well, God definitely wore away my pride. (He does that you know!)

It was late afternoon, and our group (a bunch of Campus Crusade people) were on our way back after hiking out to this island where many of the people decided to cliff jump. I've always been accident prone. This dates back to my parents threatening to wrap me in bubble wrap after numerous occasions. One specific time I fell off a hammock and hurt my wrist.. anyway, early that day on the way to the rocks, I had stubbed my toe and remarked to someone who was a little worn out from having bad knees, "If anyone is going to die today, it'll be me." I hate it when I predict things (although, I'm still alive so thankfully I'm not always spot on!!). When we were on our way back, I ended up tripping on an incline, my ankle went sideways and I remember being in seething pain. Awful pain in my ankle when I tried to stand up. I ended up getting piggy backed by two of my guy friends, and helped along the way by other friends. Despite being in so much pain, I remember how much it helped when they tried to calm me down with jokes or just whispering to me that it was going to be 'okay'. I can't begin to describe how much I love my friends, and how much I appreciate them. Seriously, I love you guys!

After an amazing rescue effort, hours in the ER waiting to be checked out, and being on crutches, I definitely feel very humbled. A verse that same day really stood out to me:

Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble. (Daniel 4:37)

It is really hard for me to be on crutches, and I have a new respect for those who have been on them for months! I just want to scream, "I can walk by myself!" Even though I know I can't. Knowing I need help to get up or have to use the crutches makes me mad, but I realize God is using this time to humble me. Sometimes I feel so confident in myself, and what I can do. Being reminded that everything I can do is through Christ, and that even though things are hard, He has a perfect plan for any situation is hard, but is breaking down my pride.

Knowing that I have friends who will not only help carry me, but will also pray for me and help carry my burdens is so amazing! This is truly what love is. They have been so patient with me through this and kind, I'm overwhelmed. God is definitely lovin' on me!