More of Himself

How many nights had I cried into my pillow, wishing that the tears would make it all better? How many nights had I railed against my Savior, asking 'Why, Why, Why?' How many nights had I failed to see His wings, hiding me, holding me? Reminding me that he loved me?

I have been there. That is not just poetic language. Those nights were as real to me as any nights I sat laughing with my friends. Some were long ago and some closer than I'd like to remember. Somehow, through Christ, I got out of those dark (emotionally and spiritually) periods in my life, but until recently they didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand why. I just accepted that it must be God's plan, and that He was allowing me to go through those situations for a reason. I may still not understand them completely - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8), yet after going to retreat with Campus Crusade and hearing a talk from the speaker, I really began to see those situations in a new light.

The speaker, Susanna, said:

" God is not concerned with giving us more of what we want, but in giving us more of Himself. He will use whatever is tired closest to our hearts to draw us closest to Him. The most loving things happen to you. "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. (Psalm 25:10)" God doesn't love us more when He gives us what we want. It is all about giving us more of Him."

I hadn't been seeing those situations as God's love. Nor as Him giving me more of myself. She talked about our dreams dying, only to be filled with Christ. That sometimes those dreams die and don't get replaced. Sometimes we're so focused on what we want, what we think we need, that we fail to want or need Christ. Woah. After thinking about those hard points in my life in relationship to God's love, I just had to fall before His throne. I would not be the same person I am today without those times. I would not have 'more' of God.

This was an amazing time for me... followed by a swift drop. After realizing this, I also realized that I needed to surrender more dreams to my Father. It's definitely not an easy thing. Despite knowing how trustworthy my God is, it is so hard to give everything. Going into it with the realization that He might not give those dreams back. Ridiculously Hard. I talked with Him for about an hour, laughed like never before, and felt such love like never before. One would not thin k after seeing the face of God that there would be such confusion, but it's somewhat true. I started to question what I was supposed to be doing.. were any of my dreams really His? Then the next day, I opened His word straight to Isaiah 61:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Woah. That's what I had been doing; not realizing it. I was ministering to the hurting. Because I had been hurt. I was showing love to people, and showing the beauty that God wanted to give them out of their ashes. Because I'd seen it in my life.

If you're still reading this: thanks. If you're still reading this, I pray that you'll begin to see the hurts, the pain, everything in your life as love. Not looking at situations thinking, "If only things were different.." or "I wish this hadn't happened," but as something that God is using to give you more of Himself. It is not easy. It is so incredibly hard, but I believe that it is worth it. Do you?

I am learning surrender everyday.