Sometimes I get stuck into the rut where everyone else is a robot, well, not really a robot, but I start to get this mentality that I'm the only conscious body out there. Let's call it self-centeredness. Point blank, right on the table (see James 3:14).
Lately I've been finding myself in the middle of a conversation with someone, and then I'll realize that I haven't been listening to a word they say. I suck. The hard thing is, is that I really do want to know about that person, but for some reason I just get distracted. I've been really convicted of it lately, and have been praying that God would work in my heart and take out any selfishness therein.
Philippians 2:3-4 says,
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
I am working on being a listener. I'm trying to come up with some way to challenge myself to say less and listen more. Like only saying so many words after someone else speaks? Any ideas?
Aside from feeling completely ashamed by my thoughtlessness towards others, I have been feeling a bit lonely-ish. I guess it comes with the whole selfish thing: Why do I talk so much, when it's clear nobody wants to listen? I dunno.
With S.A.D coming up (Valentines Day for all you lucky people), it has been really hard to not notice the many couples I hang out with and their apparent bliss. While it's not that I'm not happy as a single person (in case you didn't follow the nots, I AM happy), but it just seems like there is some elusive level of happiness that only couples can attain. This is frustrating for the single person. I know that couples have their share of difficulties and it's not easy. But at least you have someone to have trouble with!
This makes me develop a defensive/bitter attitude. To protect myself from that little sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know, the one that says you're not wanted. I tell people that I want to remain single because then it doesn't seem so bad. It eventually leads to telling myself things like:
“My being charming is not quite enough to induce me to marry; I must find other people charming - one person at least. And I am not only not going to be married at present, but have very little intention of every marrying at all … I must see somebody very superior to anyone I have seen yet, to be tempted.”
-- Emma, Jane Austen
I think this idea of my independence as a single woman makes me even less desirable to men who value vulnerability. Ho hum, what a conundrum!
But in the end, it's not up to me.
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